Cameron Blackwood, Crime and Horror reporter, on location in Glen Iris.
In a shock move today, police raided the home of an as yet unnamed MURP member in a desperate attempt to return the five dollar note to circulation in Australia.
Police commented in a statement read by a spokeswoman earlier today, "It seems the suspect was running a 'money for food' operation. The dealer ran a network of food importation companies and would sneak real food onto the Monash campus. The food would be sold to inmates at the Clayton correctional facility in return for hard currency. This currency would be snuck out of the campus cleverly hidden in everyday objects."
"The dealer would then take the money home, launch an extensive search of
the object to reveal the hidden cash which would then be extracted by
scientists of the extensive criminal empire. The extracted money would
then be laundered and returned to circulation."
"Obviously something went very wrong with their operation. Our search revealed that the house was empty, apparently having been abandoned in a hurry by the suspects." The spokeswoman stepped aside to allow military chemical weapons experts in large yellow biohazard suits past. "We lost 5 good men and women searching this place and we are going to make sure the bastards pay."
When asked how the police were lost, the unofficial report is "1 to a prerecorded Bah'ing and 4 just liked jelly and smarties." It was only two days later that the full horror of that report was to surface.
Police released photographs showing the inhumane note smuggling methods. "Some of these poor notes have gone days without water or food. Its a travesty of natural justice" a treasury investigator said.
Monash Cafe detectives were cooperating with police and were reported to be concerned by the circulation of nice food in the Clayton campus and are responding with a 'Lard: food for generations of students' advertising campaign.
Workers for Monash.com Food Inc are quoted as replying "She'll be right, Darl"
Here a Corn Flakes packet is used to smuggle a $5 note. This note was discovered and extracted by Police scientists who are still puzzled by the technology used to return the package to its original form.
"I've no go bloody idea how they did it.", Dr Phool said when questioned. "Maybe Clag or a glue stick. I didn't find any staples or sticky-tape. These people are good. Me and Bill tried for 3 hours to reconstruct the packet, but just ended up covered in crumbs. I think its ex-soviet technology, fallen into the wrong hands."
Not even the humble tea bag was safe from these savage criminals. Innocent teabags were brutally mutilated, their soft white bags slashed and disposed of and replaced by plastic money. Police are digging in the Monash grounds in an attempt to recover the bodies of the teabags, but hold out little hope.
Police: "I'm sad to say, but these poor little bastards decay quite
quickly when buried in a bin or the garden. The fact people tend to ignore
their decapitated bodies just increases the chances that such a crime
goes unpunished. This vicious cycle of silence where teabag mutilation is
concerned has got to stop. "
Reporter: "I hear that sometimes the bags just fall off when you dunk..."
Police: "Look, son, that's what they'd like to you believe, but they
just want your silence. Do you really think that in this day and age
the bloody things just fall off? That quiet acceptance lets 1000's of
teabag decapitations take place every year."
Police called a sudden evacuation of the site when a $5 in an 'unknown, possibly explosive configuration' was discovered. Bomb Squad experts were called and took no chances in unwrapping the note.
"We have no idea what sort of technology created this artifact. Our scientists have been unable to return the note to the explosive configuration it was discovered in. Reports of flashing lights in the sky before the discovery are totally false" said a police spokeswoman, donning dark sunglasses stepping into an unmarked black car.
Scientists proved the Russia link late this afternoon with the discovery of a note inside a series of envelopes. The chief scientist, Dr Phool, explained.
"Here we have what looks like a standard large envelope. But inside it is another envelope. Obviously this aroused our suspicions and we suited up in level 3 radiation suits before the examination continued for another 7 hours. Do you know how hard it is to open stuff in those gloves??"
"Our explorations lead us to no fewer than 6 envelopes before we finally rescued the note trapped inside. We tried all known resuscitate methods, but the note was lifeless."
"It shouldn't have ended this way....." he said, breaking down in front of the assembled press, "five dollars is like... at least a final snack or a couple of weekly videos. Oh what a waste!!!!!"
"Oh, how could they?? It's just like those dolls you see smuggled, encased inside other dolls. That Red Menace has a lot to answer for!!!!!!" Other police looked at each other and then backed away from the twitching, shouting scientist as the press conference ended abruptly.
As people quickly left the room, Dr Phool noted, "Can't you all see?? We need to restart the cold war, funding was so much easier then. Curse that International Communist Conspiracy!!!! Depriving us of grants is their most fiendish plot!!!!! Secret tests proved my frozen chicken gun could have worked!!!!!!!!"
Police showered him in pepper spray and tazered the good doctor before tazering his writhing body again and again in what seemed a bonding moment for our boys and girls in blue.
Police later said that Dr Phool had been "under a lot of stress since his 100,000 stored chickens defrosted in the last Monash blackout" and that he had been using an illegal stash of '!'s he had recovered after an investigation of an unnamed MURP co-president.
In a shock discovery just to hand, an anonymous source has revealed that the police are actually investigating possible involvement of $5 notes in the $5 note smuggling scandal. Police held a swift press conference to quell rumors.
"Yes. Yes. We have investigated two $5 notes in connection with this operation. We had some evidence that two of the notes were actually involved in luring the other notes to the wallet of one resident in halls who we are investigating. These suspicions seemed confirmed when it was discovered that the resident had left halls and is now residing somewhere else, perhaps scared off by our investigation."
"Our investigations revealed this evidence was planted. I repeat this evidence was planted"
"Anyway. We questioned the notes all last night and gained much more useful information in our investigation. Following up on those leads and the alibi given by each note we can now state that the first note, one Mr PD94997881 has obviously been framed. Notice now that you look, you can see the wooden structure that seems to follow him around?"
The second note, Ms FE97224723, always claimed innocence and close examination revealed that she was in the clear. I can't go into further details now, but I repeat, Ms FE97224723 has been cleared.
Even the humble drinking straw was not immune. Detective Sgt John "snortin'" Rutherford discovered the $5 note in the straw while searching the house.
"Uh, yeah, I had to go to the bathroom and err, ummm" he started, seeming almost nervous and jumpy, "and I had taken the straw with me. Err. Because.. Um.. I was sort of suspicious of it. Yeah. That was why."
Pausing to sniff and itch the inside of his nose, the brave detective continued. "Anyway, I noticed that something was blocking the straw and when I sniffed, I mean looked harder, I saw something was blocking it. I managed to pry the note out." The plucky detective looked excited and energised at his discovery.
Cameron Blackwood, Crime and Horror reporter, Fairfield infectious jelly
hospital.
They have sealed me in this cement cell. While their words are soothing and hopeful, I know my time [Hungry!] is coming to an end. Soon I will no longer be able to resist the sugary treat that shares this cell with me and when I sample its plump bouncy flesh, my life will end. [Sugar... you cant resist]
I have charted the growth of the monster since that ill fated news report for the MURP Prestidigitator. If only I had known then.... [Eat me..]
Even now I hear it call to me.... [Yum, green jelly] and I know that I wont be able to resist it much longer. [... are those smarties?]
Is this the foul end that faced those [Hmmm smarties] poor souls who smuggled those defenseless $5 notes? No one deserves to end their life like this, alone with only a semi-intelligent child's desert [You used to love smarties] for company.
Oh gaaaaaaawd... it knows I used to like smarties. Help me!!! Let me look closer... Nooo noooo! They aren't smarties... smarties usually aren't furry!! Aughhhh!!!! Aughhh! Aughhh!!!!!
Its been... [Soon... soon... I will be with you soon...] at least two hours... they just sedated me again because I was making too much noise. [They want you to eat me... to change...]
I lay in the bed and watched the jelly as it crawled towards me... inch by inch... [Sooon....] slowly approaching me with its yummy green glow and handy plastic spoon in tow. This time there will be no escape. I'm tied to the bed and it will soon all be over....
How long did they leave that jelly in the fridge? [Soon we will be one] Was that what killed them? If so where are the bodies? [Soon we will be free] What happened to those note smuggling roleplayers?
I can't resist... I must not... I must.. I... Oooooh jelly..
Munch munch munch.....[Yes]
Munch munch munch.....[Yes!!!]
Munch munch munch.....[Yes!! Oh by the Great Aeroplane, YES!1 ]
Munch munch munch.....[Yes!!!!! DON'T STOP!]
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp [Ahhhhhhh. Oh baby!]
I looked up and saw a number of MURP roleplayers watching through my cell window. [You say that like its a bad thing...] Noo! Nooooo! I am [part] of [the] hive [mind] now!
Auuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhh Nooooooooooooooooooooooo Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
What nice smarties they were ;)